Kim Noble is so so so sorry doctor

…Earlier this year my show was performed in London.
However the theatre received a letter of complaint, which is printed below, and I felt I should somehow atone for the misery caused. I’m just trying to help.

(the name and address, have been deleted)


Dear Soho Theatre,

I went to see Kim Noble will Die on the 14th April with 2 friends, and we were all very disappointed and surprised that the Soho Theatre would be irresponsible enough to profit from a man that is clearly mentally unwell and very unstable.

As a trainee psychiatrist, it is clear to me that Kim Noble needs an urgent psychiatrist assessment, rather than his twisted behaviour being held up as ‘art’ or ‘comedy’. Several parts of the show were disturbing and we left halfway through (when we were told to get out we didn’t have a pot of his semen), as did many other people. I am worried about Kim Noble’s own health and his suicidal ideation, particularly his threat to kill himself. You may claim that he did not mean this, but I would argue that this decision should be made by a psychiatrist, in a man with known bioplor disorder and several inpatient psychiatric admissions.

I am also concerned about the wellbeing of the public, including people in the audience who may struggle with self harm and were presented with graphic scenes of self mutilation. This may well have inspired vulnerable people to go home and repeat this. I particularly shocked that there was no warning about the extreme nature of this show beforehand.

I am also particularly worried about Kim putting his semen into Vagisil containers and then putting them back onto shelves in shops. As a medical doctor, I know that several potentially fatal diseases, such as hepatitis B and C, can be passed on this way.
Because of this, I called the police and they said they would investigate this.

My job is to spend all day helping people who are mentally unwell, so I therefore did not appreciate having to pay for the privilege of spending more time in the company of a disturbed individual.
This show wasn’t funny, it wasn’t art, and it was deeply disturbing and irresponsible.

I would therefore appreciate a refund for the 3 tickets bought, and an assurance that this man will be getting a psychiatric assessment and that you will not be staging further similar shows. I will also be writing to the local council about its decision to license this show.

Yours sincerely
Dr xxxxx xxxxxxxxx

It was only right that I should respond to him….my letter is printed below

Dear Dr xxxxx xxxxxxxxx

I am so so so sorry that you left halfway through my show…there was actually a good bit just after that, which you missed.
I can also assure you the theatre didn’t (and I quote) ‘profit from a man who is clearly mentally unwell’, I believe they just broke even, the cost of hiring a smoke machine was quite a heavy burden on the theatres finances.
As a good will gesture.. doctor I’ve booked 4 tickets to go and see Ben Hurr Live on the 19th September at the O2 Arena. I’ve enclosed 3 tickets for you and your friends, the fourth I will keep for myself and look forward to meeting you there, if I’m still alive. We will have a lovely time, and you can assess me during ( and I quote from the website )‘the epic chariot races brought to life’.

I think I’m falling in love with you doctor

Yours forever

Kim Noble.

I am yet to hear back from him. If you have any complaints about anything in Edinburgh this year then I suggest you come with me to see Ben Hurr Live. I’ve heard its quite good. I love you all.



5 Responses to “Kim Noble is so so so sorry doctor”

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  5. smwch Says:

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