Archive for the ‘being alive’ Category

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE

October 23, 2012

I recently received the above personalised email from a ‘retailers’ asking where had i been all there lives.

I replied with this:

and this is the infographic i sent them explaining where i’ve actually been all my life.

i’ve heard nothing back yet

great news at last

March 1, 2012

At last, some statistics that should cheer everyone up a bit.

THIS YEAR

January 4, 2012


downloadable business card template

November 24, 2011

HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF APPEAR SEXUALLY ACTIVE (to people in tesco’s, morrisons and asda))

October 24, 2011

To make myself look impressively sexually active but yet responsible, to the cashier at morrisons, and anyone who looked into my basket, i just bought 128 condoms. I’m now gonna chuck them away.
if you want your libido to look engrossed i suggest you do the same.

MORAL OUTCRY

October 21, 2011

After this abhorent story of a child left dying after a hit and run incident in china these new devasting pictures have come to my attention of a Wotsit left for dead on the streets of london.

see how the public notice the Wotsit, but walk on by. DISGUSTING.

I hate the public. (& Wotsits)

THERES A PARTY IN MY PANTS (and your invited)

October 15, 2011

1. half bottle of cheap pinot grigio
2. Carpenters Best of cd. (the Cd is missing)
3. smoke machine and full bottle of smoke machine fluid
4. 12 pack of condoms (each condom has been pierced with a pin)
5. pants
6. party hats and a pot noddle (they had run out of finger buffet food at Tesco’s)

LONDON RIOTS & foreskins

August 8, 2011


After the rioting and unrest its important to get some perspective on the situation.

i got some the other night. i was in a public house toilet. and i had just finished a wee and was doing up my fly’s when i caught a bit of my foreskin in the zipper.
it was horrifically painful.

all my problems, the disenfranchised youth, rising water levels, crazed norwegian gunmen, olympic tickets …all that stuff was of no importance to me at all any more…as i stood in agony contemplating the next highly complex task of foreskin de-entanglement.

Why not forget about societies woes and try it yourself?*

*females and those males in the darkly marked areas of the map need not apply

Fancy a change of career? Why not join the Police Force?

July 9, 2011

police have the 2nd highest rate of divorce of any profession.
and they are 3 times more likely to die in their own hands than in the cause of duty.
so i decided to comfort one of them…

i was then presented with the opportunity to
discover close up what it actually felt like to be one

i initially became a power-crazied w*****, and felt i should change my name to Keith…but these feelings subsided to just wanting to arrest someone from an ethnic minority and shoot a innocent brazilian. i now earn £35,979, have a drinking problem and find interaction with people outside of the force very difficult. i hated myself before..but i hate myself even more now. move along please..nothing to see here.

WHY AM I HERE?

June 25, 2011


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